


you might bleed out with anger, you might blow your fragile mind

by Livdonna



Series: Eating Disorder / “Relief” AU [1]
Category: Sixx:A.M.
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Anorexia, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Gen, Maladaptive Coping, Mania, Mood Swings, Recovery, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Shame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:27:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29029428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livdonna/pseuds/Livdonna
Summary: You know what it feels like to be out of your body?Everything happens so fast and you’re not even fully aware of what you’re doing until it’s too late... It doesn’t hit you until after the fact... You’re just frozen in shock and slight terror, until everything comes crashing down and you’re back to reality.
Series: Eating Disorder / “Relief” AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2133336
Comments: 5
Kudos: 4





	you might bleed out with anger, you might blow your fragile mind

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't posted anything in a while... I've been having trouble finding the spark and motivation to continue "You Have Come To The Right Place" (aka the sequel to "Relief"), BUT i've been writing these stand alone scenes as a way to ease back into writing--- same topics, same AU, same characters, ANGST, all that fun stuff sooo.... yeah... (i'm not leaving my book unfinished though, it'll just take some time for me to get back into where i left off...)
> 
> Figured i would post one of the random scenes.. (or more if you like them)... i guess they could be considered "deleted scenes" if ya wanna call 'em that.
> 
> WARNINGS:  
> ***eating disorder thoughts, body dysmorphia, erratic moods, anger outbursts, dissociation, trauma responses (fight/flight/freeze)****
> 
> This hits close like many of my ED stories do, but you know me... I like to make things as real and raw as possible!

**JAMES’S P.O.V:**

I knew I shouldn’t have started to workout... I knew I shouldn’t have because it’s already feeling so torturous, and I’ve only been doing it for five minutes.

I’ve been exhausted all day. I haven’t slept in almost three days because of my mania but I know that the sleep deprivation is catching up to me. I hate when I feel irritable and little things make me snap... or I become very close to snapping.

The whole day today has felt like that. I’m tired but not tired enough to keep me from working out... I just wanted to, but the issue is that I genuinely don’t. I genuinely don’t feel like doing this right now but I am. I am because I thought that maybe it would give me an energy boost and help me feel good...

That’s a fucking lie and I’m smart enough to know that things won’t end well... Exercising while sleep deprived? Not a fucking bright idea, but here I am being a stupid mental case. Here I am listening to my fuckin’ eating disorder brain.

I would be lying to myself if I said this was a rational decision, because it isn’t. The smart choice would have been to let myself relax, like I was doing when I first got home, but no.... No, I forced myself to work out, even though I feel my fucking eyes drooping, and my dark circles are horrible, and I just look dead.

I look like a mess, and I know it. I was in the bathroom before I turned on the workout video and I cringed when I saw my reflection. I know I haven’t slept, but man it fuckin’ shows. My hair was disheveled... My skin is pale... My eyes just look lifeless, yet frantic at the same time.

What a fucked up world I’m living in. Isn’t it just great?!

It’s fucking GREAT.

It’s fucking great lying to yourself and saying that you’re exercising in a healthy way right now, when you know very well it’s a disordered decision. You know that very well because your fucking thighs feel like bricks and they’re still sore from walking around earlier, but you’re still here doing lunges and triple squats... You’re still here tearing the muscles apart and feeling like you’re about to collapse.

I’m in pain. I’m in physical pain but I would rather be in physical pain than mental pain. Sometimes I feel like if I’m in so much physical pain, I won’t feel the mental torment. I won’t feel everything else. I’ll just feel pain... Soreness... Tenderness in my joints... Aches in my muscles...

That’s all I’ll feel.

It’s a _lie_.

It’s a fucking _lie_.

The physical pain doesn’t take any of my other pain away. I’m smart enough to know that, but here I am attempting to shoo all of my thoughts and emotions away... but it’s not doing a damn thing. It’s not doing a damn thing but making it worse.

Every time I lower my body down into a squat position, the more I feel closer to giving up. My body feels like it’s crumbling. I’m so goddamn tired. I don’t want to do this... I don’t want to do this...

But... I _have_ to do this.

You know what sucks? I don’t have to do this! I don’t have to do this at all! I know I don’t have to, but I feel like I do. It’s a lie! I have the awareness now to know that so why am I still here?! Why am I torturing myself this way?!

_I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS!_

_I JUST WANT TO STOP!_

_MY FUCKING BODY HURTS._

_MY THIGHS ARE SORE._

_MY HEAD IS HEAVY._

_EVERYTHING HURTS!_

I can feel frustration bubbling up inside of me the longer that it goes on... It feels like a half hour passed when in reality it’s only been eight fuckin’ minutes, and _why the hell am I even doing this?! I have forty minutes left of this shit—_

I just feel dreadful. All of this feels dreadful. I’m putting myself through hell for what reason? What the fuck is the reason for this? I don’t have an answer... I don’t think I even know _why_.

I’m tiring out so fast... I can’t finish the full set of exercises and I can hear the noise going off in my head. It’s SCREAMING. It’s screaming such horrific things about myself but you know what?

I fucking believe them.

_You piece of fucking shit! You’re a fucking fat ass who can’t even finish the goddamn exercises in the time that you’re given! You were supposed to go for a full minute but you stopped 10 seconds before; you fat failure!_

I have no goddamn energy to fight or try to challenge any of it. Why the hell should I? It’s fucking _true_.

_You can’t do anything right! You piece of shit! You’re so fucking fat and that’s why you have no energy! That’s why your body feels depleted and heavy. Its because you’re FAT._

My body is tensing up now... even more than it was when the workout started. I’m starting to feel it slightly tremble with aggravation, but I still can’t do anything about it... so I try to push myself harder with the exercise.

_You lost all of your muscle and just gained fat back you disgusting bastard. This is why you don’t deserve crap. You deserve to punish yourself and die in a fucking hole. What the FUCK is wrong with you?! You’re just standing here when you should be busting your ass with the next workout move you FAT PIECE OF SHIT—_

“SHUT THE FUCK UP—-“

I don’t even realize that I scream that out loud until I hear my own echo in the room. My whole body is shaking now and I feel like I’m seeing red...

It’s in moments like this when I know I won’t be able to control any impulses I have, no matter what I do.

Because... I _can’t._

It’s in these moments that I’m too far gone.

First it was my sweatshirt... I threw it against my window... Then, it was the computer keyboard... I kicked it and the whole drawer fell off of the armoire, along with all of the chords attached to it... along with the mouse... along with the whole fuckin’ monitor which is now black...

Now... Now it’s the fuckin’ computer chair...

I do everything in my control to make this kick as light as possible, but it’s _impossible._

To my dismay, although I attempted to kick it lightly, it still somehow crashed right into my china closet....

It crashed into it and now the glass from the window is shattered... It’s shattered and it’s all over my fuckin’ floor.

~ ~ ~ 

**DJ’s P.O.V:**

“What the hell was that?!”

I pop my head up at Nikki’s voice. He looks like he’s been caught off guard.

“Did you hear that fuckin’ crash?”

I feel a little pit in my stomach because I _did_ hear it, but I want to pretend I didn’t because I don’t want to think about what that actually was and why I heard a crash...

~ ~ ~ 

**JAMES'S P.O.V:**

You know what it feels like to be _out of your body?_

Everything happens so fast and you’re not even fully aware of what you’re doing until it’s too late... It doesn’t hit you until after the fact... You’re just frozen in shock and slight terror, until everything comes crashing down and you’re back to reality.

That’s what’s going on.

I can’t even explain what I’m feeling. I’m horrified... I’m shaking but now it’s not from anger any more... Now it’s from terror... disbelief... Fear... Panic...

_Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god no no no no NO!_

I can’t stop staring at all the glass on the floor, and the broken screen... I can’t stop staring at it. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything—

I can feel my heart beating out of my chest but my stomach feels hollow... I feel frantic, but frozen. I feel... I feel... _sick._

_WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! You’re a fuckin’ mental case! Why can’t you control your anger like a normal person?? Why do you have to go and break things?! Why is this still happening?!_

Before I can do anything else, I realize that the workout video isn’t finished yet, and for some fucked up reason, I impulsively finish the last two minutes...

The second that I get on the floor into plank position, I feel a sharp piercing pain in my big toe... my face is scrunching up because of how much it hurts and I know it’s from me kicking the damn chair! But, you know what?!

That’s what I fucking deserve, isn’t it?

I _deserve_ this for being a fucked up mental case.

Somehow I’m able to finish the video, but I know there’s no way I’ll be able to do the rest of the workouts, no matter how much I want to... or should I say... _don’t_ want to.

The pain in my fuckin’ toe is so bad... I can hardly put any pressure on it... However, I realize that I still haven’t picked up the chair and there’s still a ton of glass all over the floor and oh my god—

_Oh my GOD—_

The chair is halfway in the fuckin’ china closet. It made a freakin’ hole where the glass broke and it’s stuck there. It’s stuck there and I’m trying to move it, but more glass is shattering and everything is just getting worse!

I’m trying not to make any noise but that’s fuckin’ impossible! When the chair broke that damn glass, that crash was loud enough for all of LA to hear, and now it’s just getting louder because of all of the glass banging around while I’m trying to move this chair out!

“SHIT!”

I can’t tell if I’m more angry or upset with myself right now. I’m panicking but I’m also just about to give up. Why am I even trying to fix this?! Do you know how many fuckin’ things I’ve broken in my lifetime because of my fucked up head?!

I can’t think straight right now, but it’s not like I was thinking straight before this even happened, but I’m too high strung to be able to think the right way right now. I’m seeing tunnel vision... All I see is the goddamn glass and the chair... and the keyboard... and the wires...

All I see is my fuckin’ manic _destruction._

~ ~ ~

**DJ's P.O.V:**

Every step I take into the studio downstairs has my heart racing. I don’t have a good feeling about any of this, and part of me is terrified to even come down here to see what happened.

_Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe something just fell over... It could be anything..._

The only reason I know it’s from downstairs is because James wasn’t anywhere upstairs in his house... Me and Nikki were in his kitchen and James had said he was gonna be in his studio for a little bit...

“James?”

I hesitantly call his name, as I reach the door... All the lights are off in the room, which is just making me feel even more uneasy.

I can feel Nikki’s hand on my shoulder from behind, and I know he’s trying to get me to open the door, but I feel a hollow in my stomach because now I’m freakin’ out. I’m freaking out and I don’t know why!

“James?”

Now Nikki is calling his name and neither one of us have gotten a response... It’s so dark in here... The only light I see is in the corner of the room, coming from the computer modem... and... _Jesus Christ..._

“James?”

I don’t know where the light switches are in the room, so I’m using the flashlight on my phone... Even though it’s not super bright, it’s enough for me to be able to make out pieces of shattered glass all over the floor.

I can feel my stomach drop.

“James... Are you in here?” I’m feeling so uneasy right now, but I’m freaking out more now because where the _hell_ is he?!

I continue walking through the room as I ask questions, hoping that I’ll receive some kind of response. Nikki is trailing behind me.

“What happened in here, buddy—“

I suddenly stop in my tracks. I feel my body freeze once I make out James’s body in the corner of the room.

He’s curled up on the ground, with his knees pulled up to his chest, and his arms wrapped around them. His hair looks wet, and I can see his body shaking... There’s a huge pile of broken glass right next to him, along with what looks like a dismantled keyboard... and computer monitor... and wires...

I feel even more frozen now. Part of me wants to run right over to him to make sure nothing happened to him, but at the same time... I can see the look of terror pasted on his face... I don’t want to scare him...

“James?”

I’m trying to not let my voice shake as I say his name in soft, gentle voice. I feel like I’m talking to an animal who needs coaxing, but... that’s what James looks like right now.

He looks like a scared, panicked, traumatized animal.

I begin to take tiny, slow steps towards him... I can almost feel his internal tension. He looks like he’s ready to jump outta his skin.

Nikki must be thinking the same as me, because he’s approaching James in a very careful manner too... I can see him scanning the area... Once he fixes his gaze on the pile of glass, I can tell it freaks him out.

“James... Why is there glass on the floor?”

Nikki’s voice is full of intense concern, yet it’s hesitant. It sounds like a parent trying to approach their kid who just did something really, really, bad...

That receives no answer from James. In fact, he hasn’t moved a muscle since we’ve been down here, and that’s worrying me even more. I can feel my stomach twisting up into knots.

“James.”

My eyes are widening now and I’m trying to not choke on my own fear at Nikki’s words. There’s a sense of urgency in his voice now.

“Why is there glass on the floor?”

There’s still not a single movement or response from James besides his body trembling... Now I finally decide to lower myself onto the ground near him, being mindful of the glass he’s surrounded by.

I have no idea if he’s even aware that me and Nikki are here right now... I don’t know where his head is at but it can’t be good if he’s just unresponsive...

“James...”. Every time I open my mouth it feels like pulling teeth. “Are you... alright....”

_That’s such a stupid ass question, DJ! He’s obviously not alright right now so why are you even asking that?! You’re a fuckin’ dumb ass!_

I shake my thoughts away the best I could before I slowly and very gently reach my hand out to touch James’s shoulder. He immediately flinches and I quickly move my hand away, almost panicked.

“Shit, I’m sorry, dude—“

I feel caught off guard because I’ve never seen James look so startled like this before... He’s never flinched like that in front of me either...

I just can’t stop asking myself what the _hell_ happened to make him react this way... What the hell happened when we heard that fuckin’ crash—

“DJ...”

My head snaps up at Nikki’s voice. His eyes keep darting from James to the broken glass, and I know he’s probably freaking out on the inside... even if he’s trying to remain calm on the outside.

“We gotta get him away from the glass...”

I can feel my eyes bug out because how the hell am I supposed to do that when I can’t even touch him without him jumping?!

I start speaking under my breath, and I cringe as I hear the panicked tone in my voice.

“I can’t even touch him, Nik! It’s like he thinks someone’s gonna hurt him or something...”

My heart hurts as I say that because it’s the truth... It’s like whatever happened down here scared the shit outta him so badly that he’s in some kind of shock...

“He’s probably in a very high state of panic right now, DJ...”. Nikki is talking in a hushed voice too, but the words slip outta his mouth quickly. “I don’t know what happened, but it must have startled him... We just... We just gotta get him away from the glass...”

I bite my lip as I look back over at James who is still trembling. I squeeze my eyes shut and take a breath, before I force myself to try coaxing him again.

“Look, James...”. I don’t feel right doing this because he’s so scared but I’m also on Nikki’s side here... I don’t want James to get cut with the glass or something. I feel myself cringing with uneasiness. “Is there any way you can stand up right now?” I’m trying to be as gentle as possible. “There’s a lot of glass on the floor buddy... I don’t want you getting hurt—“

“I’m... I’m sorry...”

I feel myself freezing once I hear those desperate sounding words come out of James’s mouth. His voice is laced with tears and I can hear the pain... Deep _deep_ pain.

“I... I don’t know what’s wrong with me... I’m sorry... I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m _sorry—_ “

I immediately start shaking my head with urgency, because I hate seeing James in so much pain like this. I hate seeing him putting himself down for things he can’t control.

“No, no, no, James...”. My eyes are wide and I feel tiny tears threatening to well inside of my sockets. “You’re okay, you’re fine, okay...”. I slowly put his trembling hand in mine, and squeeze it, as I try to guide him into my arms so I can lead him to another part of the room. “Here... We’re gettin’ away from the glass, alright?”

“N... no!”

I can feel James flinch in my grip, but I continue to secure him anyway... I know the initial response to panic is hyper-vigilance, but after a few moments that will usually start to fade away.

“Hey, it’s okay, buddy...”. He’s shaking, and I can feel his tears on my shirt. “Hold onto me... It’s alright...”

Somehow I’m able to get him into a standing position, and I feel a slight sense of relief knowing that now he’s not surrounded by that fuckin’ glass any more.

~ ~ ~

**JAMES’S P.O.V:**

“Do you wanna tell us what happened?”

Nikki is looking at me with such concerned eyes, but I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t want to talk about any of it.

“Not really.”

The three of us are in my living room... on the couch... I feel like this is some weird sort of intervention, even though I know it’s not... I know they just care... They probably freaked the hell out when they heard that booming crash.

I’m still feeling so vulnerable, and I want to hide... I honestly just want to be left alone so I could try to sleep this off... I want to sleep everything off and just pretend none of this crap even happened.

I would rather be _numb_ than feel all of this.

“James...”

I can hear Nikki let out a sigh.

“We’re not gonna be mad at you... We’re just concerned.” Him and DJ exchange glances. “Did that glass shatter out of anger? Frustration?”

My stomach drops at the question because of how much shame the whole situation is bringing up for me.

I can’t even get myself to answer. My body feels flushed over with humiliation. Even though I feel drained from everything, all of those emotions that I felt are beginning to surface again.

I just end up shrugging my shoulders, even though I know that’s not gonna do anything but make these two question me more. I can’t help it... I don’t want to think about this.

“Have you slept, James?”

I’m having a hard time making eye contact with DJ and Nikki right now, but I still hear the piercing worry in Nikki’s voice... He _knows_... He _knows_ I’ve been manic... He _knows_ I haven’t slept... and he probably _knows_ that my irritability gets bad when I’m sleep deprived...

I think both of them realize that they’re not gonna get an answers out of me... It’s honestly a lost cause right now. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it, and I just want to isolate. I want to disconnect. I don’t want to have the truth pushed in my face... The fact that I’m a psychotic mental case that broke my own china closet because I couldn’t control my fuckin’ anger.

“I just wanna be alone...”

My voice is small... It’s fragile and soft, but desperate, because that’s how I feel right now. I feel like a monster... Someone who scares the fuck outta everyone... Not to mention, someone who scares _himself._

“I... I’m not sure if that’s the best thing for us to do right now, James.”

DJ’s voice is full of uneasiness, and I can see him and Nikki exchanging concerned glances at each other. I would normally feel a pit in my stomach at this, but I’m almost too exhausted to give a fuck right now.

I feel numb, yet flooded... I want to run away, yet I don’t have the energy to... I don’t have the energy to because _what’s the point?_

I can hear Nikki let out a sigh, as he leans in closer to me.

“With the headspace you’re in, I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone.”

_Why the fuck not?! I’m not gonna do anything! I just don’t want to be around anyone right now! There’s no glass around cause you cleaned it all up! I’m not gonna hurt myself if that’s what you’re thinking right now. Just let me be—_

_Please!_

I can hear my head beginning to scream at me, and it sounds panicked... It sounds threatened, but that’s what this feels like in a fucked up way...

_Threatening._

“James... I know this is hard for you....”

_No you don’t! You don’t know but I don’t want you to ever know because this is one of the worst feelings ever... Being out of control... Not being in control of your own fuckin impulses and emotions and thoughts and reactions—-_

“But it’s gonna be okay, alright?”

_No it’s not! It’s not gonna be alright, because how can it be?! How can things be fine one second and then I become a raging bipolar psychopath?! How can you guys not see that?! You two know that I broke that glass myself... And you’re still here trying to keep me safe and comfort me! Why?! Why the fuck do you care so goddamn much—_

My train of thought is interrupted by a hand on my shoulder, and my shirt suddenly feels wet...

“I’m... I’m sorry...”

I don’t have any motivation to try to stop the tears, so I don’t... I just let them pour out, along with the shame, humiliation, and guilt...

The next thing I know, I feel DJ and Nikki both rubbing circles onto my back. I can feel myself tensing up, but I don’t pull away. I don’t pull away even though it feels so uncomfortable.

There’s a tiny part of me that wants this comfort right now... Deep down, I feel so broken and lost and scared... Deep down I want this...

Deep down I _need_ the support.

**Author's Note:**

> if you got this far, thanks for reading! 
> 
> (also special thanks to Fating for motivating me to put this up)!


End file.
